I don’t know how to explain it, but God was screaming at me. Not in a way, like He was accusing me of something, but it was an urgent warning. And, HE wouldn’t let up. It was persistent.
As I cried out to the Lord in frustration struggling to understand His words to me, He began to give me visions of our outdoor shed. He reminded me of my husband’s fury, yes, unplaced fury, when I took up a lark and began to clean out the shed. It was spring, and I wanted to clean it out.
At first I wasn’t sure God was speaking to me when it started. I mean, does HE do that? I wondered. But, the message seemed urgent. God’s call to me was unrelenting.
My mind wandered as I recalled why in the world my husband was so angry the day before he left. He tended to stew, and verbally and emotionally abuse everyone around him, even harbor weapons in strange and paranoid places, but this behavior was even for him a bit out of the ordinary. It nagged at me.
I had tried getting him into counseling. I pushed him to take medications. I demanded that he not endanger my children and I with his weapons.
His behavior was all a cover up for what he was participating in behind the scenes: alcohol and adultery. His rage was his symptom.
My husband had just left for a week on a business trip when God spoke to me this way. The whole thing simply was too much for my brain to take in at first, and God knew that; so HE was persistent but gentle. He wanted me to face this now.
I would close my Bible in questioning frustration, knowing that this was something I needed to understand about my husband. Time and again, I questioned if God was speaking to me—the reality struggling to sink in.
When I finally accepted the truth that God was directly speaking to me, HE began to tell me that my life and the life of my children was in danger if I did not go out to the shed.
I cleaned the shed right before my husband left, and I had found nothing of danger, only dust and boxes of papers that I merely stacked and organized. So, part of my disbelief was wrapped up in the idea that I had completely cleaned every corner of the shed; there could be nothing left to discover.
My heart raced, and I feared, because I knew how absolutely crazy my husband’s multiple knives were that I repeatedly found all over the house, hidden in discreet and indiscreet locations. I feared what I might find there, but knew I had to go out.
Finally, in the pouring rain, I found myself seeking out something God wanted me to see in the shed. The idea that I was just listening to my own subconscious finally gave way.
I left my kids in the house, telling my oldest to watch his brother while I carried out my mission. The rain, which was unusually coming down in a tropical drench, was a blessing that day. Normally, my oldest would have followed me with questions, and I knew I would have had to argue with him to stay; I was thankful because I feared.
He had become clingy with my husband’s increasingly bizarre behavior, and I didn’t want him to know what I was doing, nor did I want him to know what I was going to find. The dark reality settled in on my spirit.
So, armed with my umbrella, rain jacket, and a flashlight, I opened the dusty wooden door, and peered into the dark, shining the light on every box that contained my husband’s belongings. I asked the Lord to show me what it was HE wanted me to see.
Still hearing God’s persistent voice, I finally shone the flashlight on the eaves of the shed—the one place I did not touch in my cleaning. It had not occurred to me.
In the eaves was an old door laid carefully across the beams, and on top of it lay a plastic bundle. I thought to myself, Now what is that? With my heart racing, I ran back into the house to find a step ladder, then carried it into the dark of the shed. It was then that I pulled the mysterious package down. I knew then that I had found what God wanted me to find.
With fear, I unwrapped the plastic and found an elongated flimsy plastic box with a small padlock on it. Without breaking the lock (and honestly, far too much respect), I peeked inside and saw a rifle. I had never seen it before.
I struggled not to give in to panic and fear. Further realizing that God WAS speaking to me and yes, HE was warning me. I had never seen this rifle before, and given my husband’s paranoid psychotic infatuation with knives all over the house, I feared for our safety. I would not trust him with knives, much less a gun.
Shaking at this point, I went into the house, grabbed my phone and went back out to the shed to phone the local sheriff’s office. Certain that they would remove it from my home, I discovered that they would not protect us. Since I had never lived around guns before, I did not know the laws.
When the deputy who came to my house refused to open the case, and further told me that he would not check to see if the weapon was automatic (which is against the law), I was floored.
He told me he did not have the authority to open the case and essentially balked at the idea of helping me open the case to find out. I felt shock and betrayal, not only by my community but at the reality that we were in danger and that the local law enforcement did not care one bit about it. I really felt like I was in the middle of a small town stereotype.
When the deputy left, I made a choice to uncover the truth myself. Because God had been driving me so hard to the shed, I realized He had done so for a reason. The reality of our situation ran like shock waves through my soul. It set in stone for me that I would follow God first, because I could not trust the people around me to do what they should.
So I broke open the case, only to find a fully-loaded assault rifle, ready to unlock, point and shoot. Plus, there were several magazines of extra bullets carefully laid inside the case. The immaculate detail of the box contents shocked me and fear ran deep in my soul.
~Excerpt from The Grace-Filled Bride
Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:3-6
We have to wonder why in the world Jesus answered this way to the Pharisees. Did you notice that He answered their question with another question? In fact, when the context of the passage is read with care and detail, we find out that Jesus intentionally answered this way because He knew they were adulterers.
What God has joined together, let no one separate.
When you read my personal story above you wonder, don’t you, how in the world God could have put two souls so unequally yoked together? It is a question I struggled with for years. After all, we are all fed the lie in the church that because we marry “before God” and with a pastor that our vows are covered by our Creator. He has to first ordain it, doesn’t He?
Yet, what if, we venture out on our own legalism, and the religion which we are taught for years we may not like what we find. We must understand that God ordains marriage not man. If we legally marry someone, or even live with them, does that mean that they are placed together by God? I dare say that is not all true.
In fact, if two people are brought together by God and are not legally married then that does not mean that they are living in sin? Certainly not. Try to separate them. I assure you that you will not.
All too often this toxin is passed around the church Body as if the government or the Pharisees are God. While I am not espousing the idea that two people married before God should not become legally married, what floors me is that my story above occurs all too often to Christian women. Further, they are told by their “pastors” to stay legally married to evil men who are bent on killing them and their children. Women and children are being hurt and killed and the church stands by and does nothing to help them.
God would not bind together under heaven two unequally yoked people in a “covenant” of marriage. There is not covenant under Yahweh in circumstances like this. Anything less than this truth is spiritual abuse if it persists.
Gun control in this country is a disgrace.
Further, I live in Bubba country and I have heard far too many men justify their need for guns. Yet, when it comes down to keeping guns out of the hands of mentally ill men like my ex-husband, and others like him, there is not enough control. I am not saying that we should keep guns out of the hands of the safe and rational, but far too many innocent lives are being taken both in the public and in private settings, like in domestic violence situations. Lines need to be drawn and boundaries need to be set. The many recent shootings are only a symptom of what is occurring in our country.
What is worse is that the church is standing in the way with their religious piety, twisting Matthew 19 into some sort of edict that God does not ordain divorce in nonChristian unions. They are literally throwing innocent lives in the path of crazed men. Or should we say that God ordains the murderous attitudes like those of ISIS? Tell me, what is the difference?
Marriage is a union before God.
It needs to stay that way. We should not allow the government to determine who we remain married to, nor religious legalisms. True marriage before God will not be separated by man.
Do we, as the church, take it seriously enough? Many do, but many others do not. Honestly, women should be counseled to ask God to bring them their husbands. Relying on secular diagnostic procedures to deliver the world’s idea of a husband rarely brings God into the equation. It also creates and perpetuates domestic violence.
The last divorce rate I read about for families with special needs children was about 50%. I have heard some of the arguments, but I can say that as a mom who has been single with a special needs child, divorce is quite common. It is rampant in my son’s genetic community. Not all situations started with someone’s addiction, but there are many that did. And usually, it was the woman who is a Christian and was counseled to marry or stay married to a man who she just might save. Like she can.
How do we address domestic violence in the Church?
We seek God in truth. If you have never been around a victim of domestic violence and I am the first one whose story you have read, I assure you that my story is mild. Many others have lived through much worse and others have lost their lives. Sometimes with their children and other times, their children are left as orphans.
I am only a voice–their voice. I am a face, if you will, of domestic violence in the Church. But, I am also the face of domestic violence in this country.
The Church cannot deny its parts of the Body. It cannot continue to turn its back on the victims of domestic violence—the women and the children. They must wake up. Did you know:
Researchers found about 4 in 10 (42 percent) pastors “rarely” or “never” speak about domestic violence. ~ LifewayResearch.com
The Body has a great deal to learn about domestic violence, but Christian women in violent situations need help from their churches. The question is, what is the Body going to do about it?
I share my new book below with you on helping Christian women leave domestic violence. Its primary goal is to help those who cannot find the help that they need. I am working on the funds to have printed copies made, but you can purchase it on Amazon in eBook form for the time being. Please, if you cannot afford a copy, contact me and I will send you one for free.
The blessings of our Lord Jesus Christ to you and your family~Kim
Click here to find out more information and to purchase.